The Weight Of Clarity

Guest Post by Anonymous

I’m depressed.

The internal chaos caused by my self-doubt, the naysayers, the teachers, friends and family that told me I couldn’t do one thing or another got to me. I broke. It has been feeling like they were right about me all along, that my attempts to prove them wrong are laughable.

A month ago it was too much for me to handle. I tried to kill myself.

I didn’t die but I feel even worse than I felt before. If anything, my dark thoughts have become even more morbid for the stigma attached to mental depression is truly horrible. My family has barely talked to me, my so called friends don’t know what happened but haven’t spoken to me, my girlfriend has tried to support me but even for her, it’s too much. She doesn’t know this person I’ve become. I am irrational, emotional, vulnerable, paranoid and empty. My self-confidence is at an all-time low, my ego non-existent and, even worse, when I am honest about how I feel it kills those around me.

Being a man in African society, you are meant to be strong. Nobody expects me to be honest about my vulnerabilities, I’m not meant to feel that way. I’m meant to be strong for her, for my family. I’m supposed to ignore the pain, I’m supposed to keep it in. I’m supposed to pretend that I have it all figured out. But I do not have it figured out. Alcohol no longer dulls my senses, I can no longer run away from the pain. I have to live with it, deal with it. But it feels like I have nobody I can talk to because they are all gone or they are on their way out of my life as I speak. I am just lucky that through all this I have had great support from my mother.

I wish I was a great writer, that through my words you could feel my pain. I know a lot of people out there are going through something similar. They, just like me, are unable to talk about it because of the stigma attached to it, because they know they will lose a lot of their so called friends. They know they will not find support. I’m asking you to be there for those people who need you, the signs are there, listen to them. Its hard for anyone to understand what could ever drive one to kill themselves. Its unthinkable that one could be so hopeless, but you don’t have to understand, just try to empathize. And for those in pain, talk to somebody, don’t try harm yourself because it only causes more pain. You hurt those that care about you and in the end, you hurt you.

“Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live.”
– Charles Caleb Colton


Follow this link for information on a Kenyan mental health and suicide prevention helpline.

Anonymous

The author would prefer to keep their identity concealed.

  • Guest

    This….this really got to me. I’m sorry. I also suffer from depression and went through a really dark time when it feels like you can’t breathe and you barely have the energy to live and you just want everything to be over. I know it’s a cliche but it really does get better. Sometimes it’s antidepressants that make it better, sometimes it’s talking to a psychologist and sometimes it’s both but it really does get better. I just want you to know that I get it and I understand and even though I don’t know you I would be so sad if you killed yourself, so please please, just take it one day at a time, just keep breathing even though it hurts and one day you’ll look back and everything will be behind you and one day you’ll be able to wake up without wishing you hadn’t. Just hold on, please

  • First of all, receive a big virtual hug. I feel you and hear you. Thank you so much for this. For sharing your pain…it is braver than you could imagine. You do not need to be a great writer to articulate your hurt, pain is pain and the fact that you have decided to share yours as a way to save someone else is amazing. I hope it gets better, hour by hour, day by day. Again, thank you for this. Bless you.

  • this mirror holds to close to face..